Monday, January 23, 2012

New Life

Two weeks in, and I've had time to start working on a routine.  Here's what I do in the new world:

  • Monday and Wednesday mornings I ride with the sis-in-love to the library, where she volunteers.  I work on as much on-line writing as possible (you'll see why in a moment) and browse books;
  • Tuesdays and Thursdays I walk to the library, two and a half miles, a mile of that without sidewalks.  I've written about that elsewhere;
  • Wi-fi and cell phone service in this area are about par with Northwest Ohio.  I cannot get cell phone service in the Cove save for about an 18-inch square on my bed (which I am threatening to mark off with police chalk).  If I need to have a long conversation, I save it for when I'm at the library, and I call them outside in the picnic area.  My brother has wi-fi, but it isn't compatible with my Apple products, so if I want to get on-line in the apartment I have to use my 1 GB HP netbook and get on when my sis-in-love isn't on, which is rare;
  • You'd think this reduced access would make me restless.  Not so much...I like not having the pressure of selling myself on-line 24/7.  It only irritates the crap out of me when I'm trying to do my new job, or wanting to listen to something on Spotify;
  • Fridays I stay home and do laundry, vacuum Bob the Cat fuzz out of rugs and furniture, take out the recycling and trash, clean the stove, and generally revamp the world I live in.  I also do the dishes daily and keep my bathroom clean;
  • Food.
Um, that last one requires a bit of narrative.  Bear with me--it's got a hopeful ending.

My brother and sis-in-love have created a distribution of the bills and groceries so that she could do go this lengthy amount of time without working.  (I should mention here that S does volunteer--Mondays and Wednesdays at the library, Tuesdays and Thursdays with the City of Carlsbad, and Fridays at the Senior Center.  This is commendable, but she doesn't job hunt much.  After being here two weeks I can almost see why if she limits herself to Carlsbad, but there are jobs in San Diego, many of which I have sent out feelers on.)  This distribution of bills is a compromise that puts the majority of the weight on my brother.  Keep in mind that S owns a property in Fresno and doesn't rent it out (although they are looking into that option).

This is a wary subject for me because technically they didn't have to take me in.  My brother offered, though, and the other option was to discontinue existence, so I can't say that this is such a bad option.  However, I don't know if everyone involved was onboard with the solution when it was offered.  Needless to say, when you're suicidal you don't want to hear how much you are costing one member of the party.  There were no outright statements--just how expensive everything is.  I starved myself for about four days trying to avoid the lectures, and then found out that regardless of how little I ate it was still too much.  There is nothing worse than being hungry, depressed, and a burden.

A friend from San Francisco sent me a care package, and she can't much afford it.  Someday, when I have more money than a five dollar bill in my wallet, I'll find a way to repay her.  But something else happened after those four days--something shifted in me.  The mace-faced girl who used to work in Oakland kicked in and sat back and watched the dynamic.  For you see, S does this penny-pinching with my brother, too. And while I don't want to interfere with their dynamic, I know that I have to find a way to let the miser-umbrella wash away.  So I'm eating again.  And no, I'm not stuffing myself to be obstinate.  I'm just eating enough to survive.  

Which is only what I deserve.

Fuel.  To write on.

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