Monday, April 28, 2008

Someone Back Home Is Saying, "Why Don't He Write?"

Strange how over the years I am the one who reaches out to let folks know that I am okay.

Whenever I drove home or took a long journey somewhere, people who knew me at the time would get angry if I didn't check in when I arrived home. Yet, there was no thought to my worry when I would see them off on a long trip--if I asked them to call me when they got home it slipped their minds every time.

Last night FG, in a moment of stress, got drunk and hit a sign coming off the interstate. I didn't know that he had done this until he called me, examining his car in a stupor. I told him that I was getting dressed and taking a cab down there to drive him home (he lives in the Mission; real safe for a woman at 10 pm at night), and he said, "No, I'll be fine once I get on the streets."

"Call me when you get home."

"Okay, mija."

I never heard from him.

The next time I do hear from him there will be no explanation or some rotten excuse, as if I never deserved the call.

And I deserve the call and so much more.

Dances With Wolves was right. Someone back home does wonder, "Why don't he write?"


dkearns72 said...

sometimes people show themselves not to be worth friendship?

Jo Jardin said...

By 9 a.m. this morning I was at that exact pinnacle.

And perhaps I am not a good friend for saying this, maybe I give up too easily...

After spending the night worrying about him, I i.m.-ed his boss this morning to see if he made it in. She replied that he had but that he was throwing up and feverish, so she sent him home. She thought nothing of it...he had been sick for real most of last week (in fact, I had taken care of him then in Oakland when he was streaming with snot and tired and aching), and I didn't share with her the truth, that today he was drunk out of his mind. I don't know how he got back home this morning, but I do know one thing--my heart felt nothing at this news. Any other time I would have called or texted him immediately to check on him, but today I let him go home without concern.

Tonight after work I sent him a series of texts to let him know that I was numb, and his answer on my voice mail (I no longer want to talk to him, really) is that he was going to find his car because it had been taken. I'm thinking impounded, but I'm not asking--he moans about his life going from bad to worse and I could understand that logic about the illness because I had that awful cold, but I cannot feel sorry for the drinking thing. He stated that he did it to calm down because of something some friends had done, but I'm thinking that I now have someone lassoed around my neck like a Coleridge poem.

So I am taking a vacation from him. ("Vacation is where you go somewhere, and you never come back." - Forrest Gump) I don't know how long it will last or if it will just end here...and sadly, even though I fucked up yet another friendship, I just can't dredge up the desire to miss him tonight.

God...that was a long answer and perhaps very much a pain in the ass.

dkearns72 said...

"and sadly, even though I fucked up yet another friendship,"

you did not. friendship has to be a 2-way street.

Jo Jardin said...

Then 50% of the blame here is mine.

He was at work today--he sent me an IM and we exchanged about 4 lines..."how are you?" "Fine" blah, blah, blah. I still feel nothing. I know that for a friendship where I love (loved?) the person I should feel some sort of loss, but I don't--just empty air. I have an itch to call him just out of habit and to offer him the courtesy he rarely extended to me, but not to hear his voice or to straighten this out.

It feels straight enough already.

I'm sure the guy feels the whole world is against him now, since last week I was the only friend who "hadn't disappointed him." I'm sure that I have disappointed him now and "misunderstood" him. I'm tired of trying to understand everyone who acts like this and getting no understanding in return.

And I have to wonder...Do I still love him? Is it possible to even dredge up life from dust?

I mean, he's still human, right?

Sorry to dwell. This seems to help, just working it out on screen to be okay with my decisions. I'm sure this would be a whole lot less scary if I was afraid to lose him.

dkearns72 said...

i know i dont know the whole or complete story here in this case, but i do know that ive noticed u beating urself up unfairly before. in an environment where there is believed no true right or wrong, you might ironically, IMHO, tend toward what my tradition calls "scrupulosity." its beautiful in its own way considering ur whereabouts and experiences, BUT it is not fair to urself. as a matter of fact, it can even be self-destructive.

but, then again, im full of shit the majority of the time...

on the question of life from dust, and in addition to ur nice Genesis twitter, i thought of Ezekial 37.