Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial
The shadows closely run
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers
Why was I missing then
That whole December
I give my usual line:I don't remember...
-Sting, "Ghost Story"
*****
Same old men.
As I struggle to deal with the parting of FG and myself, I am reading the world's best therapy (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) and receiving on a weekly basis California therapy (which isn't bad, I suppose, and I feel better and more enpowered the next morning, so I guess that if I'm gleaning something...), and the computer is still out. The phone doesn't ring. The silence just about pummels the shit out of a person.
But I get the feeling it's supposed to.
P used to tell me that I always went for the guys who I couldn't have--in Missouri that was picking out the married guys who didn't wear rings without even talking to them. I'd never get involved with them there. Here, I've been with two guys whom I can't have either...they were both separated and didn't want to put in time for friendship (although quick sex was completely accepted, no charge). Physically unavailable to emotionally unavailable, although FG swears that I am blowing this completely out of proportion and that I need to "calm down" and stop drawing conclusions. Second relationship where my opinion is invalid.
I've tried ending it with FG, but he gets defensive and cruel in the process. We have seen each other once a month in person since October, and at most we speak to each other on the phone once a week, IF I beg. (If I don't give a rat's ass it can go as long as ten days, which is how long the silence lasted after our first intimate encounter.) He sits there obstinate and pestering on work IM, though, just across town in Hunter's Point, occasionally teasing me with a "Good morning" or "Good night" that he doesn't have to give, but bestows to ease his conscience so that I can't say he's not talking to me.
I've tried to end this with a conversation.
He's responded with cruel and defensive.
So I'm on day one of ending it with silence.
No phone calls. No texts. Close the IM window when it pops up at work without a response.
Day one of another addiction.
The therapist says I have to quit settling.
But the good single present ones aren't asking me. They run.
I told her that I had given up on ever getting to have this aspect of my life.
"Then we have to teach you how to take advantage of this time alone," she says, "before you get blindsighted with Mr. Right. Because he will find you, and then you won't have time to enjoy anything that you once knew."
Whatever. Famous last words. Valentine's Day is coming, and she wants me to find something to do. Maybe an art museum. Maybe flowers for myself...it feels pathetic, but Gilbert's book is a guide to pleasure.
"Per chi?" of the Italian intimates.
A year. When I finish this book I'm turning it into a devotional.
Alone...no tie with the computer...no tie with the phone...I judge myself...and then drop the problems and give them and FG the silent treatment and follow Robin's and the doctor's advice, and indulge my loves...
And now I am off to explore West Portal, San Francisco.
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