Up To Speed

Whew. Okay. Out of the loop for a bit.

Let's see if I can hit all of the major topics, and then we'll talk about my stint as a West Coast version of Carrie Bradshaw.

Family In Fresno
Arrived in Fresno on Saturday morning because of a laundry snafu (don't ask). Serena picked me up from the station and we had crepes at the farmer's market downtown, a wonderful little festival until a tremendously tall and long grape arbor/trellis. The man who made the crepes is French and enjoyed me immensely--kept giving me free pastry and a couple of generous helpings of innuendo as he made Serena's and my lunch. We sat in the shade and enjoyed the local talk.

Yeah, shoot me...I love this part of Fresno. It reminds me of the Midwest, the normalcy and relaxed frame of mind.

After lunch we went home and Serena went to visit her parents while I watched "Mystic River" again, twice. The first time I was so tired I fell asleep, so I had to start it again. That night for dinner I made pork chops and ratatouille.

Sunday Serena and I watched "CBS Sunday Morning," went for a walk around the shopping center next to her house, and then visited her parents for the afternoon. We picked up MS from his Calgary flight at around 6 or so and then went out to dinner at a place called Farenheit, named for the measurement used to determine what spices were eating your stomach lining. Cajun. Good stuff. Good etouffee.

Monday was Serena to work and MS and I hitting the road. We went to REI, Red Robin, Glacier Point in Yosemite National Park, and ChukChansi Casino. I hated the casino, but MS was up $50 when we left. He has that kind of luck. Gained so much centeredness at Yosemite--I know it's hokey and tourist-y, but I love the outdoors, I crave it, I draw deep of it and fill the ragged gaps where my soul's teeth have been pulled.

Then we made Mom's wacky cake and watched her video (we burnt it to DVD, so now I just have to find a way to get it on this computer and you can meet my mother! Sorry, I'm excited by love...), and this morning I took the train back.

How was your vacation, Jo?

Perfect, and in Fresno. Never woulda thunk it from the way the Californians talk.

Writing
I am keeping up with the journal again! Let's see if I can do it tomorrow night...that will be the real test...
Also wrote more thoughts on Lehane...I will have that in a separate post shortly.

And, finally...
Okay, just so you know the full disclosure of what has happened to me in the last two weeks. Keep in mind that I don't write this to impress you, dear reader, or get you excited beyond measure, or to sound all cosmopolitan. The last two weeks solidified something for me. I know EXACTLY what I want. I know that it will be hard or impossible to find. But I am holding out for it, even if I have to be alone.

This may have other posts attached to it. This may not be fully explained today.

There are at least two men in this story, although a lot more bit players. I've grown more confident, and not just because of the Accutane. It's a new presence from the solitude, a sense of knowing the space I fill, a sense of being allowed to love what I love without someone shooting the balloon out of the sky. Men have noticed this and talk to me a lot and love to laugh with me. It's joyous.

But there are two major players. We will call the first one FG for "First Guy" (witty, ain't I?), and the second one SG for "Second Guy."

Curtain opens.

FG is a guy from work, but not from my branch--another store of the same company. He needed "comforting," about the third week of October. We spent the day together and then came back to my place. On the Accutane I technically can't "comfort" anyone all the way, but he was satisfied nonetheless.

Twice.

I was not satisfied at all. In addition to this, he went silent the next ten days. I told him that the silence may work with others, but we were never doing that again. He had his chance and acted like, well, GARY.

Lucky for me, SG asked me out shortly after this. SG is a children's book illustrator who loves baseball and has two cats.

Perfect, right?

He was, on the phone. He made me laugh, on the phone. He told me he would call last Wednesday to set up a time and place to meet me on Thursday afternoon. (This was a Yahoo Personals connection.) Last Wednesday was Halloween.

He didn't call until Thursday at noon. His excuse? "I was at a Halloween party in Benecia." No apology. Hmm. But we met for drinks at Yancy's on Irving that afternoon. I won't go over what happened there because people do a lot of dumb things when they're nervous, so he gets the first date as a wild card. I'm fair about that.

He was supposed to call me Friday night at 5 pm so we could meet up again...didn't call until 5:30 to say he wasn't coming.

Oooo-kay...

By now I'm laughing. I was crying Wednesday, but by this time I've practically said goodbye in my heart. He's got one more chance though in this afternoon, when he wanted to meet with me after I got back from Fresno.

And then he proceeded to call me and e-mail me all weekend.

So this morning on the train I was homesick for my family and annoyed with SG. I was tired, too, since we got up at 5 to make the train. I was wearing my REI comfort stuff and smoothing out the wrinkles of my rankle with writing. (Yeah, try that sentence, Edith Wharton...lol...) I watched the cattle and orchards and arbors out my window and felt love fill back in a wash.

Then SG called. "Can you wear a skirt when you meet me?" A skirt? In the Sunset? In November? "Well, at least open-toed shoes then?"

WTF...

So I dressed up and met him for a drink, which he didn't pay for this time. And this date I'm going to call him on. The whole thing was a not-so-subtle hint that he wanted sex. He didn't dress up. He wore a shirt with pieces of Kleenex on it from the dryer. He talked about his past girlfriends and at one point said that no man wants a connection of the mind...he focuses on the sex. I can understand all of this. But it was turning me off. I know that there are men who need a mind connection as well as physical one, but this guy thought that was "bullshit." (His word, not mine.)

I know that there is a man who wants me beyond just sex, who loves my words, who doesn't say he's an artist to get laid, who doesn't go silent afterward...even if I have to wait until death and it's God I've been waiting for...f***anyone who doesn't have the wonder and doesn't believe. He asked me if I wanted a ride home. "Oh, no thank you." And I sang in joy the whole way, through the cold, and went home to change into my REI. Someone's going to love taking that off of me someday, too...deep in the woods in a sleeping bag.

Love is out there.

Just not here.

It took inconsideration for me to believe that...and I have a smile on my face tonight better than sex.

I am relieved to know it's not JUST a bodily function, and I am beautiful in love, with the man who is in love with me and can show it. And that second date wasn't nerves...it just was wanting "comfort"...go to Market Street.

Afterglow of solitude.