I got it I got it I GOT it! Yay!
There's a reason why I need the big intelligent stuff, why people think I am some sort of intellectual snob, why I look for things to learn, why I need stimulation.
There's a reason.
A very healthy one, THANK GOD.
There's a reason I end my postings with "Sleep well"--it's not just me trying to be all Dan Rather on readers. I have had a hard time sleeping since moving to California, and when I do get a good night I consider it God's greatest gift. So last night I hit the sheets with distinct hope--no laundry to do this morning, no appointments, no work.
3 a.m., and four people came crashing into the apartment, one of them my roommate, all of them drunk. I walked to the bathroom to conduct a fluid exchange and glared at my roommate the whole way there. 20 minutes later, they were gone, but my futon was unfolded. My first assumption, since it was empty, was that sex happened on it.
Deep breath, Jo.
I woke up again at around 8 a.m., dressed, and walked down to Arizmendi Bakery for an oat scone to go with my Jamba Juice. When I walked in there were four people ahead of me in line. By the time I got and paid for my scone nine people had paid ahead of me. I know where this comes from--I still have my old Midwestern sense of personal space and this big of a bubble to a Californian means that people just walk in front of me. Normally I am heartbroken, fresh all over again, on the thoughtlessness of here. Today, though, I thought, "Well, if they are that much in a hurry let 'em have the spot. All five of them."
Another guy stepped ahead of me later at the Ferry Building, and I thought the same thing. If they need the time that badly to dispose with paying attention to their fellow citizens, let them have it. If she needs a party at 3 a.m. after she has already been drinking, let her have it. If the guys at work have no conscience about me having to pick up the slack on their projects when they stand around and play, let them have it. My repeated hopes are done. And I have to end them, for I am a ruminator with a healthy disposition to distract from the tired topics.
I Googled "rumination" tonight, and stumbled upon this gem, and lived again: http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.html
Someday I will know how to make a word a link. Until that small goal is attained, click the link to see how distractions help, and how exercising my mind instead of engrooving it will help.
One window opens as the door closes. Walk away from all that you kill and maim yourself with, Jo.
And just like that, I get better at this. PURE...JOY.
Selah, and sleep well.