Sunday, June 29, 2008

Read "Closed" Message, or, Why I Decided to Stop On-Line Dating

Here is the typical rig-a-ma-role for setting up and maintaining an on-line dating account, as per my experience with Yahoo Personals,, Chemistry, and eHarmony:
  • Step 1, fill in the "profile," which is a grid of everything about you that the government might ask
  • Step 2, answer about 3 hours worth of questions of what you would do in situations or how you love someone (I had to span my work on eHarmony in this department over three days, and I PAID THEM TO DO THIS...)
  • Step 3, receive and review notifications about my "matches," which all start to look alike and all seem remarkably perfect on the surface...a little TOO perfect
  • Step 4, because you're a modern girl and your shrink is telling you to let go of the old-fashioned norms, you send a "communication" to somewhat desirable candidates (although at this point it's a crap-shoot)
  • Step 5, send the less desirable ones a "closed" message, which is a pre-loaded message from a list of 15 choices of why you didn't choose that person. Your reasons for not choosing that person? Because these guys all LOOK alike, you instill the requirement that they must be brave enough to include a photo, must want kids, and must read. Bonus points go to those who love animals, those who volunteer, and those who talk about the books they send the most appropriate "closed" for the situation, depending on which criteria they didn't meet.
  • In other words, you put some FRICKIN' THOUGHT INTO IT
  • Step 6, you wait a few days. You review new matches. The old ones don't answer or send you closed messages that state the thought-provoking and excellent of voice of feedback for not dating you: "Other." (I kid you not--every guy rejecting you says the reason for it is "Other.") You close the old ones with the closed message of "Match never responded to request to communicate."
  • You do this process for about 4 months. Someone else suggests another site--someone who hasn't tried on-line dating. It's impossible to express to those who haven't been there without sounding cynical the following lesson you've learned: THESE SITES ARE ALL THE SAME AND THEY TAKE TWO TO TANGO AND THE OTHER PARTY DOESN'T WANT TO TANGO.

Instant gratification without the work. No thanks. I'll just stay single.

Dating closed, due to "Other."

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