Monday, January 21, 2008

Revisiting Rumination

It’s ruling my life in a lot of ways again.
Like an alcoholic addiction. Like a lover who is me settling for less.
I work to eat right and have been incremental in increasing my physical activity. I am gaining some ground in my writing.
And there’s the old addiction, like a monster in the corner, breathing heavy, waiting for me…rumination.
The internet sources on this acknowledge that the “disengaging is really, really hard—you see that in their neural activity and in their behavior.” Articles suggest distractions for 10 minutes at a time to start breaking the cycle of rumination, or testing to see if the rumination can be acted upon the same day by your person.
I could start there. My main course of worry right now is that my employer is going to rob me of my last ounces of free time to save money on hourly employee dollars. At present I struggle with my personal needs because I already work more than 50 hours a week. My hope in 2008 was to reduce that to 45 hours by working from 7 am to 5 pm with a one hour lunch. Now I don’t see that happening. I see weeks ahead of 60-plus-hour workweeks with no lunches and begging for restroom breaks.
Which was 2007.
Can I do anything about this? Of course I can. I can look for a new job. But is it too much to ask in a recession to work less than 50 hours per week? Will ANY employer let me do that? I owe it to myself, my blood pressure, my hope of having meaningful relationships, my hope of helping others, my writing, my readers, my hope of my own family, my brother and his family, to find an employer that allows me that balance. If it doesn’t exist here, then I need to go to a place where it does. “Quality of life,” is the phrase.
Do I worry about anything else?
Just the employment factor, which has been stinking and uncertain since I arrived four years ago. I have a happy living condition and am enjoying taking off with my writing. In relationships I could ruminate less, but I still have hope for a life with someone devoted to me as much as I am to him, with balance.
I feel first that I should learn balance with my job, and then I will learn passion without consumption.
Taking that first step is crucial.

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