So I caught up on the journal yesterday—I think 10 days is the longest I have ever maintained page counts that I wanted to in that thing—and now is catching up on letters home. I didn’t send out any Christmas cards this year (the joy of filling in for everyone else at work…still think that felt like the movie “While You Were Sleeping”), so there are a few long lost people that I need to send return letters to, and then I have to update my volunteer journal (more on that in a minute), and then I will be on track, just in time to attend two volunteer events this weekend (Red Cross Saturday, 826 tutoring again on Sunday). More items to update in the journal.
I keep a volunteer journal for several reasons. When I feel as though I have been an utter failure as a human being (often), I read the entries there and feel as though I contributed somewhere. If I die tomorrow, I contributed somewhere. (Sure, I guess I contribute here, too, but this feels more like the way the homeless performers contribute to the noise pollution level on the street than it does actually helping…although I am sure I will get a lecture on that statement and I’ll have to go back and remind people what a God-awful writer I am and therefore the reason why I think that way.) When I want to be reminded of good people (often), I read the entries there. When I am nervous about having the kahunas to walk into a roomful of kids and teach them (back to the feel of who do I think I am to be teaching anyone?), I read the entries there. When I want children (every damn minute of the sand that is running out), then I read the entries there of my kids.
The volunteer journal has other uses—e.g., to lend me characters in my writing—but mostly it is purely a gift to me, like the volunteering itself. I volunteer with the Red Cross because I want some control in a disaster. I volunteer with 826 because I want kids and I miss teaching. Making the world a better place is icing on the cake, but you gotta do it, like writing and creating, for YOUR reasons, not because someone is guilting you into it. I remember once having to temper down this form of my selfishness—I was sick one Sunday and wanted to go so badly, and then remembered to not be selfish to the point of getting 20+ kids sick and the rest of the volunteer force as well.
This year I want to work with animals as well, which as I have mentioned before may or may not happen depending on if I keep this job.
******
My supervisor is in Orlando this week, and I am here, and my senior staff member knows that I am miserable. Whether my boss will know shortly is to be determined, but I am on vacation next week and therefore can dig real teeth into the job hunt. I won’t find the job next week, but I will put the process in place. The senior staff guy wants me to be patient, says the interview process is brutal, but I know this—I’VE BEEN THROUGH IT THREE TIMES IN FOUR YEARS. The goal now is to find a job that just isn’t a job but one that fulfills me.
Sure.
Laugh if you want.
But like true love, I still believe in it, dear reader.
3 comments:
First, you must teach those children by example to believe in themselves.
Second, there are some fabulous litpanels going on this week in SF, if you have the time to attend.
NICE link! I will definitely be following up with one of those panels...
As to the self-esteem...um, we know that's not my strongest suit...
But I will try harder.
Your worth is inherent in my view. It does not come from outside things like what you accomplish-- in either the society-approved things like money OR in selfless helping. The selfless helping is inherently good also, but it is not a requirement for your own dignity. If this wasnt so, wouldnt we have to say that people who are physically unable to help others and require a lot of help themselves are somehow lesser? Your human-ness is special and a miracle of its own. It does not come from the outside, IMHO.
Post a Comment